


i'll make up for all of your tears

by allsassnoclass (brightblackholes)



Series: Tie Me Down [3]
Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Apologies, Domestic, Emotional Maturity, M/M, little bit of self-loathing, takes place on the farm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:55:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27448960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightblackholes/pseuds/allsassnoclass
Summary: An epilogue.
Relationships: Jack Barakat/Alex Gaskarth
Series: Tie Me Down [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1996828
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	i'll make up for all of your tears

**Author's Note:**

> This is the third part in a series. Please read the first two for context!
> 
> I wanted to give them a bit more of a definitive ending, which has led to this.
> 
> Title is from "Best Years" by 5 Seconds of Summer

Everything that Alex imagined being in an official relationship with Jack would be like was wrong. He likes to think that he’s decently creative, has built an entire career around twisting words and making music where before there was silence, but his imagination was leagues off when it comes to Jack Barakat.

The sunlight streaming through the window of his master bedroom doesn’t give him a halo, nor does it highlight any of the features Alex already has memorized. Jack produces enough light by himself, and if anything, the morning sun makes him appear more ordinary. Here is a beautiful human, reduced to a bit of drool coming from the corner of his mouth and pillow creases on his cheek.

Alex loves him so much he might burst with it, so he pulls on a pair of pants and some socks and heads downstairs to get his shoes.

It’s easier to wake up early on the farm than anywhere else. There are animals to feed, dogs to let out, and eggs to gather, and Alex takes pride in looking over the landscape and thinking  _ yeah, I’m taking care of this place. _ He hires someone to watch it when he’s away on tour, but during breaks or songwriting he likes getting his hands dirty, satisfied with the way the chickens let him take their eggs as long as he throws down seed first.

The chickens don’t really like Jack. It’s something he pouts about, but Alex thinks they just have to get used to each other. Jack referring to each of them as “Little Fucker” rather than by name might have something to do with it.

Still, Jack has never complained about getting an omelet from fresh eggs in the morning.

“Hello ladies,” he coos softly, stepping into the pen and throwing some chicken feed away from the door. They flock to it, clucking and fluffing their feathers as they get ready to fight, and he releases another handful a little ways away, spreading them out more. Then, he heads to the roost to collect the eggs.

It’s getting chillier, summer months fading into autumn and then winter. Maybe he should let coffee and breakfast wait when he gets back inside and snuggle up again with Jack instead. Of course, then they might never leave the sanctuary of their bedroom. ( _ Their _ bedroom. Alex doesn’t know if he’ll ever be used to the concept.)

It’s far too easy for Jack to convince him that being wrapped up in each other is more important than any other responsibilities. The goats would hold it against him if they didn’t love him so much.

He feeds the horses as well, then tramps back inside to find Jack already standing at the kitchen counter, frowning blearily at the coffee maker as it warms up.

“Morning, hot stuff,” Alex says. 

Jack lets himself be kissed on the cheek, then turns and drapes himself across Alex’s back as soon as the eggs are put away, grumbling incoherently.

“What was that?”

“You were gone when I woke up,” Jack repeats. “We could be in bed right now. We could be having the time of our lives under the covers.”

“If you want to keep me in bed all morning, you have to wake up first,” Alex says. “You know you can talk me into anything.”

Jack grumbles more, and Alex can’t stop his smile.

Mornings on the farm tend to be quiet affairs. They both wake themselves up over breakfast, then spend time in the bathroom getting ready to face the day. Sometimes they share the shower, and sometimes they alternate who goes first and uses the hot water. Then, there are always chores to be done around the farm, like mucking out the horse stalls and grooming them.

Jack really likes the horses, especially Theo. Alex never could’ve predicted the attentive way he runs the curry comb over his flank, keeping up a constant stream of chatter that makes Theo’s ears swivel to listen, or how gently and meticulously he untangles all of the knots in his mane and tail, despite Alex’s reminders that they’re just going to get tangled again once they take the horses for a ride.

“Theo is going to be the prettiest horse you’ve ever seen,” he always replies, then gives him a million dollar smile. It does funny things to Alex’s heart, and he’s finally been letting himself feel it. Every day is a new exercise in handling the feelings he bottled up for over a decade, and by now they don’t throw him off anymore. The gentle ebb and flow of his love for Jack is a constant, reassuring fixture in their life together, one that Alex can’t forgive himself for repressing for so long.

He almost didn’t have this, and it’s been going so good for long enough that he has to admit he was an absolute fucking asshole.

It hasn’t been perfect by any means. They skipped right over the honeymoon period, and the growing pains were sometimes excruciating. There are days when Jack needs more attention than Alex can give, or Alex needs a quiet moment to sit together that Jack is too jittery to provide. Jack has been racking up frequent flier miles with his visits to LA, and Alex makes himself appreciate the quiet for a day before his longing for Jack aches, deep in his gut. It’s like now that he has access to Jack 24/7, every departure takes a piece of himself on the plane.

None of that matters when he remembers all of the amazing things to come out of their new relationship. No one understands Alex’s humor better than Jack, and he loves hearing his laughter ring out from every corner of the property. He didn’t realize how lonely he used to get staying here by himself, but Jack’s presence pulls him out of his head and reminds him that the outside world exists. Alex would be content to hide away, but it’s better to take the occasional day trip. There’s never a moment of boredom or monotony, and Jack has figured out how to balance Alex’s need to relax with his need to have fun. It’s a mess of contradictions, but it works for them. It’s the best relationship Alex has ever had.

Jack is his best friend. He already loved hanging out with him, and now he gets to do it even more with some kissing and sex thrown in. They go on trail rides and dance to too-loud music and get drunk together to watch reality tv. Jack has started plans for a goat obstacle course. All of it is exhilarating, and Alex has never felt more at peace.

The sex is different, too. There was an adjustment period, both of them too used to holding back for years to be able to fully bear themselves at first, but they started small. There was a lot of unhurried making out in the beginning, taking the time to relearn each other in this new context, to really focus on how to make the other person feel good and special and loved. The first time they slept together at the farm, Alex cried, completely overwhelmed by it.

“What’s wrong?” Jack had asked, panic coloring the edge of his words. “Alex? Are you hurt?”

Alex shook his head.

“I think I’m happy,” he had said, swiping uselessly at his eyes. “Yeah, I just… I’m really fucking in love with you. I’m happy.”

Jack had kissed him again in answer, in that all-encompassing way that only Jack Barakat has ever kissed Alex. It told him everything he needed to hear.

Alex is the only thing that kept them from this. He was too scared to admit that he was in love, and he didn’t trust either of them to work past the difficult bits to get to the good stuff. He looks at Jack sometimes and wonders what possibly could have kept him coming back, when Alex would always brush off the love he had to give. He was so cruel, taking what he could but not letting Jack do the same, and he hates himself a little more every time he remembers their nights together, destroying Jack both emotionally and physically and then not sticking around to help put him back together.

It’s not fair that he gets to have this gift now. He doesn’t deserve the happiness he feels having Jack in his life like this, and that makes his skin crawl with the urge to break it off, but he can’t. He might not deserve it, but Jack does, and Alex is going to give him the entire world if he can.

Jack also deserves a proper apology, one that Alex hasn’t been able to bring himself to deliver yet.

They said they’d be more open with each other. It’s time.

“Hey Jack?” he says before he loses his nerves. They’re in the living room, something mindless on tv. Jack has been scrolling through his social medias, sometimes laughing and tilting his phone to show Alex, but he hasn’t been able to focus on anything besides the pit in his stomach, telling him that he shouldn't be here enjoying this.

Jack hums absent-mindedly.

“I’m sorry,” Alex says.

“For what?” Jack asks. “Did you eat all of the cheetos again?”

"I'm being serious," Alex says softly. Jack turns to him and blinks, brow furrowing the longer he looks.

"What are you sorry for?" he asks. There's that familiar nervousness there, the type that makes appearances when he thinks his feelings are about to get crushed, usually by Alex. He's heard it a lot over the years. He never wants to hear it again.

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you before. It was messed up, and I'm sorry I put you through that."

Jack's eyes search the room for something else to latch on to.

"Okay," he says eventually.

"Okay?" Alex asks. "It's not okay. I constantly fucked you knowing that you wanted more and then refused to give you anything for years. It's awful."

"There's nothing really to be done about that," Jack says. "I mean--you're here now. We're doing good, right? I think we're doing good."

"We are."

"It really fucking sucked that you did that, but I did it to myself, too. I'm not going to keep blaming you when it'll just make us both miserable. I want--I just want to be happy now. With you. I don't want to think about being upset."

"I can't do that," Alex says. "I don't--Jack, I don't deserve this. You're the best part of my life, and I spent half of it pushing you away and hurting you. I don't know how to be fully happy with what we have if I'm constantly hating myself for the path we took to get here. None of this is your problem, either! It's mine. It's something that I have to work through, but I can't do that if I don't also make things up to you."

"You already are," Jack says. "Being able to sleep in the same bed as you at night is enough. I've already forgiven you."

"That's just because you love me," Alex says.

"Give me a little credit," Jack replies. "I'm a big boy. I decided to keep playing your game for all of those years. I can't hold it against you more when I was a willing participant."

Alex makes a face.

"Do you really want to make it up to me?" Jack asks. Alex nods. "Take me to Amsterdam for a week. I think we'd have fun there."

It's not much, but maybe it's a start. If Jack won't tell Alex how to make reparations, maybe he can figure it out by himself, by simply loving Jack as much as he possibly can for the rest of their lives.

"Okay," he says. "We'll go to Amsterdam."

"And kiss me," Jack adds. "I think you should kiss me now."

That’s easy. Alex leans forward, cupping a hand against Jack’s jaw to guide their lips together, and kisses him as tenderly as he knows how. He’s been getting better at it with every day that Jack makes something uncurl inside him, and Jack sighs into it. When they part, Alex doesn’t go far.

“I love you,” he says.

“I know,” Jack replies. “I love you, too.”

Jack pulls him in further, tucking Alex under his arm. Alex relaxes into him.

There should be some metaphor for this moment, something akin to the wildfires and explosions and swimming lessons that have plagued their relationship up until this point, but he can’t think of one. Jack lies just outside the realm of poetry, something solid for Alex to grasp onto when his feelings are too large to sort out. For all of his imagination, he’ll never be able to fully describe this moment, or a million more similar ones that they’ll share.

Maybe  _ home _ , or  _ peace. _

Maybe just  _ Jack _ , and the promise of a tomorrow with him. It’s a tomorrow that won't be perfect, but Alex will try to make it as close as possible.

Maybe  _ love _ , plain and simple. There are no qualifiers necessary.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> Find me on tumblr at [allsassnoclass](https://allsassnoclass.tumblr.com)!


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